


part of you

by sunshine_captain



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Spock (Star Trek), Comfort, Embarrassment, First Time, Five Year Mission, Getting Together, M/M, Romance, Sexuality, Shame, Vulcan Kisses, reassurance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-11 11:50:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19927618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine_captain/pseuds/sunshine_captain
Summary: Love comes first. Later, there are revelations and acceptance.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let me open this fic by noting that I am not ace, and there's no one way to be ace. It's a spectrum, and this is just one possible way to experience it.
> 
> I hope you like the fic, I'm really excited to share it, and it's taken what feels like forever to finish it (but probably wasn't actually that long!) Enjoy!

It's a cup of tea that makes Spock realize that his regard for Jim is mutual.

Seated in Jim's quarters, padd in hand, he is supposed to be working on his crew reviews, but instead he finds himself watching Jim, as he so often does.

Jim is brewing _s'kir_ tea, a very delicate and complex process. There are several steps involved, and it is time consuming enough that Spock himself rarely bothers when he is alone.

Jim has taken the time to acquire the ingredients and studied the process, all so that he can make Spock's favorite beverage.

Spock is certain he only mentioned it being his favorite to Jim once, several months ago.

Jim remembered.

He remembered, and he is bringing over the kettle and a cup, pouring the steaming liquid and passing it to Spock, smiling, eyes twinkling. "Let me know if it meets your expectations."

"Jim." Spock cradles the cup in his palms, waiting as short a time as he can before he tastes it. His eyes close as he savors the flavor.

Jim is watching him eagerly.

Spock sets the cup down. "I must thank you for the trouble you took on my behalf, to prepare this for me."

"Don't thank me, Spock. This was nothing, compared to what I'd be willing to do for you." Slight hesitation, and then Jim reaches out and places his hand over Spock's where it’s resting on the table. "I hope you know that."

Spock hears what Jim _isn't_ saying, and the human saying about one's heart leaping seems to almost come true. "Jim. I knew, and yet, I did not." He turns his hand over and clasps Jim's lightly. "I, what I feel for you, Jim...."

Despite his happiness, his overwhelming love for Jim, he can't get the words out. To speak them aloud is more difficult than he ever knew it would be.

"It's okay." Jim is beaming, shaking his head in understanding. "You don't have to say it, I know. Even if you can't ever say it, it'll be okay. I love you, Spock. I have for quite some time."

Jim is rising, moving around the table, leaning down to Spock. He brushes his lips across Spock's cheek, hovers over Spock's lips.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes," Spock answers, and lifts his chin, accepts the kiss and enjoys the softness of Jim's lips, the closeness he feels as Jim puts a hand on his shoulder for balance, the almost inaudible sigh of contentment Jim makes as he pulls away.

The one thing he hasn't told Jim is a heavy weight on his mind.

He should tell him. He needs to.

"Jim, you should know--"

"Later," Jim murmurs, perching on the edge of the table, touching Spock's cheek, his hair, the tip of his ear. "I never thought you'd care about me this way. I tried not to hope."

Jim's hands and the adoring way they touch him are wonderful, but, "I must tell you--"

The Enterprise rocks wildly, throwing them both off balance. Jim staggers, and Spock almost falls off his chair. The red alert goes off moments later, and the moment is lost in their frantic scramble to get out of Jim's quarters and to the bridge.

*

Spock tries again later, but by the time they’ve dealt with the fact that a Federation ship accidentally fired on them (a recalcitrant captain, two angry admirals, and approximately seven different forms about the incident that had to be completed and sent to Starfleet Command), Jim is visibly exhausted.

Spock accompanies Jim to the door of his quarters, then prepares to move on to his own. Jim touches his wrist. Spock can feel the warmth of Jim’s hand even through his sleeve.

“Will you stay for a while? I’m afraid I won’t be terribly exciting company, but I’d like to spend time with you.”

It almost amuses Spock as much as it touches him. They have spent all day together, and the day before, and almost every day since they’ve known each other. He does, however, understand Jim’s meaning. They are together constantly as they work, but it is another matter to be together in their spare time.

He is always pleased to be in Jim’s company, but as he follows his captain inside, he is slightly apprehensive. Spock hopes Jim does not expect things from him. Sexual acts. 

This is what he has not told Jim. He is asexual. Jim needs to know, but Spock does not desire to speak the truth out loud, any more than he wants to have another discussion about pon farr.

Even the things he wishes to tell Jim, the way Jim makes him _feel_ , his love for this compelling human, he cannot.

It is frustrating. Jim deserves to hear his feelings articulated. Jim deserves the truth.

He deserves so much more than Spock can give him.

Jim has settled himself into a chair, and is now looking at Spock in concern. "Are you okay? Come here."

He is holding his hands out. Spock sits in the chair across from him and takes Jim's hands in his own. 

Human skin is so soft compared to Vulcan, and Spock finds himself marveling over the sensation. He wants to explore every line on Jim's palms, press their fingertips together in Vulcan kisses. Learn the feeling of Jim's emotions, lapping at the barriers to his mind like gentle waves on a beach.

"Spock?" Jim prompts.

He has been staring silently at their joined hands, delaying the moment he must tell Jim what may well end their relationship before it even begins. Stalling. A human tactic.

"Jim, you now know that I hold great affection for you. It is difficult for me to speak of these matters, but I must. I care greatly for you, and that you hold the same regard for me is...." He takes a deep breath. "It makes me _happy._ "

Jim smiles, and despite his exhaustion he still almost blinds Spock with his brilliance. "Oh, Spock. Thank you. I know what it takes for you to admit that, but I told you earlier, you don't have to say it out loud. I don't expect you to be anything but what you are."

That is the trouble, Jim does not _know_ what he is. "Yes. I know you do not think you expect anything from me, but if you knew--"

"Nothing could change the way I feel for you. _Nothing._ "

Jim is so certain, so sincere, watching Spock with affection that Spock doesn't want to dim. Then his captain yawns hugely, retrieving a hand to cover his mouth.

Maybe it can wait. Maybe the best time to tell Jim would be when he actually is expecting Spock to respond sexually.

He ignores the logical part of his mind that reasons he is simply trying to avoid a difficult conversation. There is logic behind delaying it, just as there is logic between speaking of it immediately.

He simply does not wish to, at this time.

"I'm sorry, Spock," Jim says as he rises, squeezing Spock's hand gently and brushing a kiss over his cheek. "I'm so tired. I wish we had more time together tonight, but--"

"It is well. You require rest." Spock holds his hand out between them, two fingers offered. Jim looks at him quizzically. "This is the Vulcan equivalent to a kiss, Jim."

"Oh!" Jim folds his hand awkwardly into the correct shape and meets Spock's hand with his own. 

Through the connection, there's a sense of warmth and affection, and Spock can't take his eyes off the sight of their fingers, linked in the gesture he's seen his parents exchange so many times, but never thought he would share with someone himself.

"It's nice," Jim murmurs, rubbing their fingertips together slightly. "I feel warm. At peace."

"There is a mild telepathic link between us, when we touch thus," Spock explains. "I have not lowered my shields and so cannot read your thoughts, however. I only feel a sense of your affection for me. You are not a telepath, and so it is slightly different for you. Less specific."

"I wasn't worried about you seeing into my mind." Jim takes his hand away, but before Spock can be disappointed, Jim is stepping into him, gripping his shoulders. A familiar gesture, one he has seen Jim use with women, and a few men. "I would welcome you, Spock. I know mind melds are very intimate for Vulcans, but it's something I would love to share with you someday. If you ever wish it."

This man. How could it be that this man loves Spock? Wants to be with him? How can it be he wishes to share his mind with Spock, when Vulcans recoil from his mental touch, and humans fear the invasion of privacy?

"Jim." He is overcome, cannot speak.

Jim squeezes Spock's shoulders, and he waits for it, the hungry press of Jim's lips, but instead Jim's grip slides down to his elbows, lingers briefly, and then his arms are coming around Spock instead, folding him into a hug, Jim's cheek pressed to his own, Jim's nose then nuzzling into the side of his neck.

"Oh, Spock. I don't want you to leave, even for the night. But I need rest. Good night."

"Good night." Spock spares Jim one last look and then exits before he's tempted to linger even longer. Truly, Jim _does_ require rest.

As he prepares automatically for meditation and then to complete some remaining work on his padd, Spock cannot stop thinking about Jim. The touch of his hands on Spock, holding him like something precious. The whispers of his mind Spock had felt when they were close.

He wants more, to bond with Jim, but there is the ugly reality that once Jim finds out that Spock cannot respond to him, it will all be lost. Why would Jim want him then, when there are so many others capable of giving him what Spock can, and more?

Meditation fails to calm the turmoil within him. Work is not an adequate distraction, either. Spock soldiers on, resigning himself to the fact that is is destined to be his state of mind until the _issue_ is resolved.

*

Spock's resolve to wait until the problem is brought to a head is sorely tested by Jim, who....does not seem to care that they have not progressed to intimacies beyond kissing, or even discussed it.

He knows that Jim wants him. He can feel wisps of Jim's desire when Jim hugs him, or sits close to him and puts an arm around him, sharing warmth and space. When Jim's lips or fingers meet Spock's, he senses it, a slow warmth within Jim. 

And yet. And yet, now, as they sit together on Jim's narrow bed, Jim having persuaded Spock to watch an ancient Terran film Jim insists is a classic, Jim's body is pressed to Spock's from shoulder to ankle. Jim turns occasionally to gaze at Spock, eyes bright and smile fond. They touch, and the desire is there, and Jim turns again to him, pressing a kiss to Spock's cheek this time. 

The desire is there, but Jim makes no move to initiate more, does not mention it or indicate to Spock that he desires sexual intimacy with him.

"Enjoying the film?"

"It is interesting, but not enthralling," Spock answers honestly, and Jim laughs.

"More than I'd hoped for." Jim faces the screen again, but curls his body toward and around Spock, as if he wants to be as close to Spock as possible.

"Jim." Spock places a hand over Jim's where it's resting on his knee. 

Jim pauses the movie and gives Spock all his attention, facing him completely. "Yes? Is this about what you've been trying to tell me for almost two months?"

"Seven weeks and four days," Spock corrects. "You have been aware all along I wished to speak with you about a matter?"

"Of course. I can sense when you have something on your mind, and this seems like something you’ve been very concerned about. I didn’t want to push you, but I’ve been concerned.”

Now or never, as the human saying goes. Spock supposes there is no point in delaying it any further. He aches inside at the thought that these are his last moments of intimacy with Jim. There will be no more after this, after everything between them is burnt to ash by the revelation of Spock’s true nature.

Jim will not want him. Jim will not be his. Spock will be forced to watch as Jim goes to another.

He could transfer away. Would being far away from Jim and never seeing him be preferable to watching him love another?

“We have been in a relationship for, as you said, “almost two months,”” Spock begins, refusing to be distracted by the warmth of Jim’s skin as he takes Spock’s hand and cradles it between his own. “I cannot comprehend why you have not attempted to initiate sexual intercourse.”

“I—what?” Jim chokes out, obviously not having expected this to be the topic Spock has been struggling to bring up. “Spock, what?”

“I do not understand why you have not attempted to initiate—“

“Sexual intercourse, right.” Shaking his head, Jim scoots back to put a little distance between them, but doesn’t release Spock’s hand. “Okay, first of all, I would never just…. _attempt_ to initiate anything! I’d never get anywhere _close_ to sex with you if you weren’t giving me verbal and physical signals that you wanted it.”

“You have never pressed for anything with me beyond kissing, and excessive hand holding.”

“No. I was waiting for you, Spock. You didn’t indicate to me in any way that you wanted to go further, so I was waiting.”

Jim will be waiting a long time indeed, if he wants Spock to show interest in more. Spock wants to get up, move away, not have to look at Jim’s soft eyes and beloved face as they have this conversation.  
“You desire me,” he states bluntly. Jim blinks. “I feel it, when we touch. You _want_ me.”

“Yes.” Jim’s skin has a slight red flush to it now. “Of course I do. You’re a very attractive man, and I love you.”

“It is pointless.” Spock gives in to his desire and leaves the bed, moving away across Jim’s quarters, pausing by the small shelf full of paper books and mementos. “This relationship is, for you, nothing but an exercise in futility.”

His frustration and despair make the words come out harsher than he intended. It sounds as though he is angry with Jim, rather than at himself and his fundamental nature.

“How can you say that?” Jim follows him across the room and stops right behind him. He doesn’t grab Spock’s shoulder and turn him back around, as he no doubt wants to, but Spock can feel how close he’s standing, hear his breathing accelerate with hurt and confusion. “You love me. You haven’t told me explicitly, in those words, but you don’t have to. You’ve expressed it. I love you. There’s no way that it can be pointless, when we _love_ each other.”

“It is pointless, because I cannot give you what you need. What you want.” Slowly, painfully, Spock turns back to face Jim. There is nothing to look at but Jim’s angry, hurt eyes. “You desire me. I do not feel that for you, Jim. I _cannot_ feel that for you.”

Jim touches him now, takes Spock’s shoulders in his hands, squeezes lightly. “I don’t understand. You’re not attracted to me? You’re not attracted to men?”

“I am not attracted to anyone, if you define attraction as sexual desire. I do not feel sexual attraction to anyone. I do not….become aroused.” Spock looks away, ears burning and green at having to voice these hidden truths to the man he loves.

“Is this a Vulcan thing? Outside of pon farr, you can’t….?”

“It is not a Vulcan trait. I am unsure how the pon farr will affect me, but other Vulcans are not as I am. I believe the human term is asexual. I have never felt arousal, and do not have any reason to believe I ever will. Do you not see, Jim? I cannot provide what you need. I do not wish to leave the Enterprise, but if you prefer me to—“

“Do you really think so little of me, Spock?” Jim’s voice has softened, and his hands have gentled, too, thumbs tracing small circles over the black fabric of Spock’s shirt. “That I would throw away what we have because of something like this? This doesn’t change anything. I’m still in love with you, and I know you love me. I can tell how much it’s hurting you, talking about ending our relationship, leaving the Enterprise. I’m not going to let you walk away from me, mister.”

“I do not doubt your love for me, Jim, but I must ask you to be reasonable. All your previous relationships have been with ordinary humans that returned your amorous affections. I am not capable of that, and I do not believe you are fully prepared to accept the reality of a romantic relationship without sex. It will cause you distress, you will resent me, and it will cause both of us more pain in the future than it would to end it now.”

Spock does not fully understand why he is arguing with Jim, why he can’t just accept Jim’s insistence that they can be together, even with Spock’s affliction.

He doesn’t want Jim to regret this, to regret him. To forge ahead and one day look at Spock with jaded eyes and regret.

“No. This is part of you just like being Vulcan is, and that doesn’t stop me. I’ve always pictured my life with you right beside me, even before I knew you returned my feelings.” Now Jim is pulling him into a hug, squeezing Spock tightly, as if he can convey the strength of his convictions through touch alone. “I’d rather have my friendship with you than a relationship with anyone else. So a relationship with you is more important than anything. I love you. This is part of you. I love that part, too. We’ll make it work.”

Spock allows himself to accept Jim’s words, his insistence. His love. He wraps his arms around Jim and returns the hug, pressing his face against Jim’s neck, smelling the sweat and faint traces of cologne still lingering on his skin. Jim is warm and solid against him, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. Spock can hear it clearly. Compared to his own, it’s almost alarmingly quick.

Jim’s emotions whisper temptingly outside of Spock’s mental barriers. Jim is unguarded, untrained, it would be easy to feel everything.

He would not betray Jim’s trust so. He contents himself with feeling faint impressions of Jim’s love, his hope, his determination.

Jim’s lips brush over the curve of his ear, and Jim murmurs soothingly as he rubs Spock’s back. “We’ll make it work. We’ll figure everything out. I love you.”

Spock begins to believe.


	2. Chapter 2

Being in a relationship with Jim has led Spock to realize several truths about himself. Chief among them is that he sleeps more deeply than he ever realized he could.

Spock has never shared a bed with another person, and so has never had the opportunity to learn this. As a child, he had sometimes shared a bed with I-Chaya, but it had always been restless, with his sehlat often rolling onto him or trying to snuggle up to Spock in his sleep, but then knocking him clear off the bed.

With Jim, Spock experiences a more peaceful and restful sleep than ever before. On his own, Spock typically only sleeps three or four hours and when he wakens, he rises straight from bed, no lingering in the gentle haze of post-awakening.

When he wakes with Jim cuddled up to him, twined around him, he does not want to remove himself any sooner than he must. Instead of rising sensibly early to prepare for the coming day, he pulls Jim's arm tighter around him and presses his face to Jim's unruly hair and closes his eyes, sinking back into sleep.

Because he falls into such a deep sleep with Jim next to him, it takes Spock far longer than it should to realize that Jim is leaving the bed in the middle of the night.

He wakens one night, months after his admission to Jim of his asexuality, and habitually reaches for Jim, to pull his warm, soft body closer, only for the realization that his hand meets nothing but empty air and the sheet.

He pushes himself upright, noticing at once that the lights are on. Extremely low, just barely enough for a human to see well enough to navigate across the room without tripping. They were off when they fell asleep.

Jim must be in the bathroom. Spock resolves to settle back down and wait for him to return. Humans have less control over their bodies than Vulcans do, so he supposes it is not uncommon for them to rise in the middle of the night to relieve themselves.

He has almost lapsed back into sleep when he hears a soft noise that he would almost describe as a whimper. It is very soft, muffled, but his hearing is better than a human's.

Alarmed, Spock rises from the bed. He is half clothed, in sleep pants, and finds the air is a little chilled without the warmth of the blanket and Jim's skin pressed to his. All the more reason to get his captain back into bed with Spock where he belongs.

The bathroom door slides open readily, but Spock halts on the threshold, startled. Jim is standing over the toilet, pants pulled down enough to release his penis, but he is not urinating. His hand is upon himself, stroking in a way that _should_ be pleasurable, but--

But his eyes are squeezed shut, face red, hand pressed to his mouth. As Spock watches, Jim whimpers again, but tries to muffle the sound into his hand, teeth cutting into his skin as he bites, fist moving faster upon himself. There seems to be no pleasure here.

Predominantly, Spock feels confusion. "Jim?" he questions, stepping fully into the room and letting the door slide shut behind him.

Jim releases himself instantly, stumbling as he jerks to face Spock, hands yanking his pants up so fast it _must_ be uncomfortable as his sensitive flesh is shoved away. "Spock! What are you doing up? Go back to bed, I'm....I'll be right there."

"Jim. What are you doing?" Spock advances even as Jim retreats. Jim ends pressed to the wall by the sonic shower, Spock just a foot away.

"Hell, what did it look like?" Jim looks away, won't meet Spock's gaze. His face is red with shame. "I'm sorry, Spock. I didn't want you to have to see this."

Spock doesn't know what to do. His instinct is to touch, take Jim into his arms and provide comfort the way that humans need. His instincts tell him that at this moment, however, Jim does not want to be touched.

It is painful. To witness Jim's discomfort and humiliation, and not know how to alleviate it. Before this relationship, Spock never knew quite how another's pain could hurt him.

"Why are you awake? You always stayed asleep before."

"Before? How many times has this happened?" Spock's fingers twitch as he suppresses the urge to reach out. How long has Jim been slipping out of bed at night, hiding himself away in shame?

Jim finally meets Spock's eyes. "Pretty much since we started sharing a bed regularly at night. I'm sorry."

"Jim."

"You know how I feel about you. You're beautiful, Spock, and when you're so close to me at night…. I respect you, and that you don't feel attraction, I never wanted to force my sexuality on you."

" _Jim._ "

"I get turned on, I wake up like this, and I, it's just a human thing, I can't help it, so I just come in here and take care of it and come back to bed. I didn't want--"

"Jim," Spock says forcefully, finally touching, pressing his palms to Jim's cheeks and projecting his acceptance through the touch, directly to Jim's mind. "Enough. Why did you not simply _tell_ me that sharing a bed was affecting you thus?"

"I didn't want to force this on you. To force myself on you." Jim covers Spock's hands with his own. "This doesn't bother you?"

"It does not. How could it? This is simply part of you."

Jim sighs, a great weariness seeming to descend on him all at once. "I'll understand if you don't want to sleep with me anymore."

"Do not be absurd. Come." Spock does not take Jim's hand and lead him back to the bed, but the look he gives Jim over his shoulder makes it clear he expects him to follow.

Jim does.

When they reach the bed, Spock sits and puts his hand on the mattress beside him. "Lay down with me."

Jim does, still radiating discomfort and embarrassment. Spock wants to alleviate this. Jim has begun to show him that he does not have to be ashamed of who he is, of his identity. It is simply a fact. Shame is illogical. Shame has no place in a relationship.

"I believe I am correct in my assumption that you will continue to become aroused if we continue to share a bed." Now facing Spock, Jim nods. "I do not wish to relinquish this closeness with you. And I do not wish you to feel that your arousal, which comes as naturally to you as my lack of mine to me, is something you have to hide from me and deal with alone. Therefore, we will deal with it together."

"Spock, you don't have to," Jim protests immediately.

"I know. You have shown me that. You have never pressured me or indicated you wished for something I cannot provide. This is something I would do for you, willingly."

Jim still looks uncertain, unhappy, wanting to protect and guard Spock from this. Spock slides closer to Jim, resting his hand on the smooth, warm skin of Jim's lower back, enjoying the press of Jim's soft belly against him.

"We should rest now. We are expected early at the meeting tomorrow."

He shuts his eyes and when Jim realizes Spock isn't going to discuss it further, he sighs and curls into Spock.

*

Spock resolves to sleep lightly from then on when he is with Jim. The next time that they share a bed, he ensures that he does not fall completely asleep, but retains a low level of awareness to his surroundings, and rises swiftly back up to consciousness when the mattress shifts with Jim's attempt to leave.

"Wait." He touches Jim's hip, not restraining him, but asking, with the touch for him to let Spock help. "Stay."

He will not force Jim to share this, if he truly is not comfortable letting Spock be with him during this act. But he wants to help. Spock doesn't want Jim to be alone and ashamed, unhappy.

Happiness is....desirable. Happiness is something that Spock has discovered is achievable, not something merely to observe, that only other people can have.

Jim murmurs, "Are you sure?" but obligingly settles back down onto the mattress.

"I am certain." Spock guides Jim onto his side, facing away, and then settles tight against his back, puts his arm around Jim’s chest, hand settling right over Jim’s racing heart. “Take your pleasure, Jim. I am here with you. You do not have to be alone for this.”

Jim gives in, at last, and reaches down to maneuver his clothing out of the way, take himself in hand, sighing softly at the relief it must provide. He is hesitant at first, tries to stay quiet out of respect for Spock, but eventually he lets go and just feels. The hand not occupied covers Spock’s on his chest.

Spock presses his face into Jim’s soft hair, feels the temperature of his skin and the sweat gathering as he exerts himself, hears his noises and thinks, _Fascinating._

A full body shudder and moan of Spock’s name and it is over. Panting, Jim squeezes Spock’s hand, rolls over to kiss him. “Thank you.”

“There is no need to thank me. It is well.” Spock waits while Jim gets up to wash his hands, then crawls back into bed with him and pulls the blanket over them both. “Was it enjoyable?”

Jim laughs, but still seems a little uncertain about what occurred. “Yes. You holding me, it felt….it was better.”

Jim will grow accustomed to it, or so Spock hopes. He will find relief when his body requires it, and when he wishes, and Spock will stay with him. They will work through this, just as they have everything else. Spock finds Jim’s hand again, presses their fingertips together. 

It is worth it.


End file.
